Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
