i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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