I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
