you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
