Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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