i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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