need another drink. this is the easiest way
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
