i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
