I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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