What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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