we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
