Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
