just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
