I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
