i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
