i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
