What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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