There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
