I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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