You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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