just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
