i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
