saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
