Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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