I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
