The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
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