when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
