I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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