I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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