So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
