he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
