He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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