Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
