Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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