He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Boobs speak an international language.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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