insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
