I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My ass is underappreciated
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
