you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
