WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
