On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
