my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
There's always time for handjobs
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
