You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
