my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
