It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
