my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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