just tell him i said nine months
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
