did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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