I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just high enough for therapy.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
