My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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