im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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