Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
